Healing After a Toxic Relationship; You’ve just come out of a toxic relationship, which is the best time to start your healing journey. This will help ensure that you never attract another toxic relationship again. However, without these 10 harsh truths I’ll share today, you may slip back into old patterns and miss the lessons you need to learn in order to avoid making the same mistakes.
Today, I’m going to go through 10 important but harsh truths you need to know to break your patterns and never experience this kind of relationship or breakup again. This article is all about tough love and the information you probably don’t want to hear, but you need to hear it in order to change your patterns.
A Client’s Journey
Take my client Karin, for example. She kept leapfrogging from one unhealthy relationship to the next. Despite leaving a toxic marriage and vowing never to be with someone like that again, she found herself engaged to someone who turned out to be a covert narcissist. After working with me, she learned how to permanently break her relationship patterns and change herself from the inside out. Now, she’s living her best life single, happy, and in Hawaii.
1. Your Ex Did You a Favor
The first harsh truth is that your ex did you a favor by breaking up with you, or by acting in a way that led to the breakup. Despite all the feelings and love you still have, and the grief and hurt you’re experiencing, if you look at your life from a broader perspective, your ex has actually done you a favor. Breakups happen for a reason. Many people stay in relationships that aren’t right for them because they accept the bare minimum, make excuses for their partner’s behavior, and ignore red flags. These individuals live half-lives in unhappy relationships, robbing themselves of happiness, health, and energy just to avoid being alone.
Congratulations on your breakup; it’s probably the best thing that has ever happened to you—even if you don’t feel that way right now. If there’s even the tiniest part of you that understands this, lean into it. Look at this relationship and be grateful for what you had, but also be grateful that it has ended.
2. No Contact Is Essential
Nothing matters more now than implementing no contact. I have a guide to help you with this; type “guide” below. No contact is absolutely essential for your healing journey. A lot of parts of you will want to reach out to your ex, seeking closure or connection, but if you want to heal in the most efficient way possible, no contact is crucial.
Channel the energy you’re spending ruminating about the breakup into going no contact. Block your ex for a period of time, avoid mutual friends, and stay away from places that remind you of him. This will help you let the natural process of grieving and healing occur.
3. You Won’t Get Full Closure
You’re never going to get full closure, even if you have a civilized conversation. You will always hear only his side of the story and find yourself overthinking and replaying scenarios in your mind. But none of that matters now. You are now in charge of your own story, and the only thing that matters is how you choose to create meaning around this breakup.
4. Healing Isn’t Linear
Healing isn’t a straight line. You might feel better one day and then regress the next. This is normal and part of the process. Imagine the grief of a relationship ending as peeling back layers of an onion. You can’t just peel a few layers and be done. Even though you may circle back to some pain, it doesn’t mean you’ve gone backwards; it simply means you’re ready to heal more.
5. Your Body Is in Withdrawal
Your body is experiencing physical withdrawal from your ex, similar to that of an alcoholic or drug addict. You may feel emotional and physical symptoms; this is normal. Allow yourself the grace and compassion to go through this withdrawal process.
6. Give Yourself What You Desired
What you desperately wanted your ex to give you in the relationship, you now need to learn to give to yourself. In a toxic relationship, you may have projected your desires and fears onto your partner. Now is the time to heal those unmet needs. Write a list of all the things you wished your ex had done for you, and learn how to meet those needs yourself.
7. Letting Go Equals Self-Forgiveness
The level at which you let go of your ex with grace reflects the level at which you forgive and love yourself. If you can’t let go, it indicates unresolved wounding inside you. Accepting and moving on with grace is a sign of healing.
8. You’re Holding Yourself Back
The biggest thing holding you back from healing is you. It’s not your ex, nor external circumstances. You are in the driver’s seat now. It’s time to step up and make the decisions that are right for you.
9. Build a Support Network
You need a support network to heal fully. You can’t do it alone, especially when relational wounding is involved. Healing requires connection. Seek safe relationships, whether with friends, family, or professionals.
10. Avoid Repeating Patterns
If you ignore this advice, you will attract another unhealthy relationship and repeat old patterns. Take this opportunity to heal; it could be the last time you experience such pain. If you follow the steps I’ve outlined, you can change your trajectory.
This breakup can be your breaking point or your turning point. It’s up to you how you choose to respond.
