Narcissists are manipulative, skilled at identifying and exploiting your vulnerabilities to gain power and control. It’s a misconception that their targets are naive or gullible! Narcissists envy your success or qualities but cannot meet your standards, so they work to make you lower yours. Many of us have compromised our standards because we felt guilty that the narcissist couldn’t measure up.
1. Being Notorious No-Shows
Narcissists are infamous for letting down those who rely on them, whether in personal or professional settings. They make promises they don’t keep, hesitate to commit fully, and delay or postpone critical tasks that hinder your progress. They may schedule appointments they don’t attend, leaving you “standing in the rain,” figuratively or literally.
This behavior isn’t always accidental; it’s often a test, especially with new targets. They want to see if you’ll forgive them and stick around after being ignored or let down, perhaps multiple times. This signals to them that you’ll play by their rules, waiting for them while they show up only on their terms. Over time, this erodes your self-worth, making you feel you must earn their attention to feel worthy again.
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What is Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome?
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2. Isolating You from Your Support System
Narcissists work to isolate you from friends, family, coworkers, customers, or communities you’re involved in. This often starts early in intimate relationships, particularly during the love-bombing phase, when they demand all your time. You may be so enamored that you temporarily neglect those around you. However, love bombing isn’t flattery, it’s about wasting your time and controlling your attention.
Narcissists may become jealous if you dedicate time to others, including your children or even pets. I’ve heard of narcissists giving away family dogs out of jealousy! They also hijack conversations, interrupting you to shift attention to themselves, making you fade into the background while they become the center of attention. At events like birthday parties, they may steal the spotlight to create a false image of being likable, ensuring others won’t believe your accounts of their true behavior.
Additionally, they isolate you by spreading lies or rumors about others to discourage you from seeking help, or they may lie about you to others, causing people to distance themselves. Some even provoke you into reactive abuse, then portray you as unstable to authorities, further alienating you from society.
3. Destroying Your Self-Confidence
During the devaluation phase, narcissists deliberately undermine your self-confidence, which is critical for advancing in life or your career. They may say things like, “Nobody likes you,” or spread lies about what others have said about you. They become your harshest critic, targeting your appearance, work, or skills with backhanded insults.
For example, my ex-narcissist indirectly called me ugly by insulting a coworker with acne, knowing I struggled with the same issue while we worked as actors. This made me self-conscious, impacting my confidence at work. Narcissists may criticize your cooking, driving, or other skills, often in confined spaces like cars, where their abuse goes unnoticed. My ex would scream or sing loudly while I drove, then accuse me of trying to cause an accident when I lost focus.
Another anecdote: my driving instructor in Germany, a malignant narcissist, constantly yelled and gaslighted me, even braking suddenly and claiming I ignored traffic signs. He blackmailed my mother, threatening to ensure I’d never get my license if I switched schools.
On the day of my test, his abuse shattered my confidence, leading to my failure. He scapegoated my mother, claiming her pressure caused my failure, when it was his abuse. This shows how narcissists use verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse, gaslighting, shaming, blame-shifting, blackmailing, or projecting insecurities to erode your trust in your abilities.
4. Posing as Mentors with Bad Advice
Narcissists often assume the role of a mentor, offering advice designed to lead you to failure. They may give misguided professional or financial advice, especially if they’re financially unstable themselves. Remember the 2017 crypto craze? Many narcissists acted like Wall Street experts, only to lose everything due to their aversion to hard work and preference for quick gains.
They may manipulate you into signing contracts, like mortgages or rentals, because their poor credit disqualifies them. They might advise you to avoid opportunities, like taking courses that could advance your career, to keep you dependent on them. Never take advice from someone whose own track record is poor they often wouldn’t follow their advice because they know it’s flawed or requires too much effort. They’re essentially outsourcing their work to you.
5. Stealing Your Possessions or Credit
Narcissists may steal your possessions, property, or business, manipulating you into believing they’re more capable due to the self-doubt they’ve instilled. They may take credit for your work in team settings, ensuring you’re overlooked for promotions. They’re in constant competition with you, driven by envy.
Some narcissists mirror your identity, imitating your behaviors or accomplishments in an attempt to replicate your success. While imitation is often flattery, with narcissists, it’s creepy and potentially dangerous. Fortunately, their lack of endurance and consistency usually prevents them from maintaining this facade.
6. Financial Abuse
Narcissists control your finances, spending or gambling your money on addictions like drugs, alcohol, or pornography. They may commit identity theft, abuse your credit card, or sign contracts in your name. Their laziness often leads to unemployment, forcing you to support them financially, leaving you unable to invest in your progress.
7. Causing Sleep Deprivation
Narcissists disrupt your sleep by staying up late, being noisy, or engaging you in endless, unresolved arguments at night. They stir up drama before important events, like tests or job interviews, to sabotage your performance. This sleep deprivation contributes to the next point.
8. Making You Sick
The constant stress of dealing with a narcissist takes a toll on your mental and physical health. The emotional rollercoaster can lead to autoimmune diseases, cancer, or even HIV, as some narcissists lead hidden lives involving risky behaviors. Victims often develop post-traumatic stress, living in a constant fight-or-flight state.
I developed a stress-related autoimmune disease after leaving my narcissistic partner. The exhaustion, confusion, and inability to focus can lead to accidents, job loss, or strained relationships with coworkers. Narcissists may provoke you via texts or calls throughout the day, making you appear unstable to others. This can result in misdiagnoses of depression or PTSD, potentially barring you from certain careers, like law enforcement or the military. Often, removing yourself from the toxic environment is enough to improve your well-being.
9. Trapping You with Responsibilities
Narcissists may manipulate you into having a child, knowing the financial and emotional responsibilities will keep you tied to them. Some resort to deceit, like tampering with contraception, to achieve this. Conversely, if they don’t want children, they may coerce you into using birth control or hide their sterilization to control your choices. Their goal is to keep you stuck, preventing you from thriving.
10. Ultimately Sabotaging Themselves
Ironically, narcissists’ attempts to sabotage you often backfire. By undermining your success, they harm themselves, as your achievements could benefit them in personal or professional relationships. Their envy and need for control lead to their downfall, leaving them isolated and unfulfilled.
