In today’s topic, I would like to talk about 10 ways narcissists use future faking to manipulate. Future faking is a very effective tool for narcissists to keep their victims stuck in a relationship with them or to attract and bond with them in the first place. Once the victim has taken the bait and is caught in their mouse trap, so to speak, narcissists will use it as a means to keep stringing them along with more fake promises than they have already given.
Why Future Faking Works
Why is future-faking so effective? Because it’s often very personalized, and narcissists will take advantage of your hopes, dreams, and wishes to make you believe in it. While it’s normal to talk about the future as a couple, narcissists do so with much greater intensity.
It’s important not to lose sight of reality in these moments and ask yourself, “What do they already bring to the table to back up their plans and ideas?” Narcissists have a talent for inviting you into a shared fantasy and making you believe in it too, because you will believe in their potential over what they can already provide, which is often not much.
The Narcissist’s Delusion
You need to understand that narcissists often firmly believe in their lies. They live their lives partly based on fantasy and delusion, and the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is to pull both of their feet back to the ground and confront them with the reality of a situation. So, without further ado, here are 10 ways narcissists use future faking.
Related Topics:
5 Dark Mind Games Narcissists Use to Break You
How to Deal with Harsh Truths in Relationships
8 Demonic Ways Narcissists Mess with Your Mind
1. Vague Promises Early On
When you get to know a narcissist, you don’t know each other well enough at the start, so their attempts at future faking are usually less personal. They often make big suggestions instead of promises. For instance, the narcissist might suggest taking you to a special or expensive place one day or going on a vacation or day trip with you.
If they do this months in advance, don’t believe a single word they say. They’re already luring you into an ideal future with them without even having created a foundation, and you start daydreaming of the two of you walking across the Rialto Bridge in Venice or on the beach in Bali. Future faking creates very strong and vivid images in our heads.
2. Reinforcing the Fantasy
Sometimes, narcissists hang up postcards or pictures of a beach as a constant reminder to reinforce this visualization in their head. But it could also be the other way around: you might be the one making these suggestions because the narcissist has created a pity ploy, telling you how lonely they are and how it’s been such a long time since their last vacation.
You want to make them happy, so they easily agree to your idea to go on a trip with you, but they will never follow through. You’ll often find this happening with people who have an avoidant attachment style. Narcissists tend to be avoidant, but keep in mind that not every avoidant is a narcissist.
3. Avoiding Real Connection
Speaking of being avoidant, some narcissists have absolutely no interest in getting together with you in the first place. I’m not even talking about dating or getting into a serious relationship, no, I mean casually hanging out as friends, just asking for a coffee together. They’ll accuse you of cornering them and putting them under pressure, making you believe you’re selfish and too demanding.
It’s pure gaslighting. Strangely, they’ll keep making these suggestions, telling you you’ll see each other “one day” when they’re ready. Right now, they just have “other stuff” to take care of, but they don’t mind flirting with you like you’re already deep in a relationship with them. If this happens, they’re most likely entertaining someone else.
4. Texting Situationships
I had this happen to me one time, and ended up in a texting situation with a guy. It was exhausting, which shows you don’t even have to be near a narcissist to get trauma-bonded and abused the same way. Narcissists are all about your attention and wasting your time. You’ll encounter this specifically in online dating or when you have an online friendship with them.
They love texting for their entertainment on a boring evening or while they’re at work, but don’t you dare ask for a phone call or, worse, a video chat. They want to talk to you on their terms and have more control via texting. I have another podcast about the red flags you’ll notice when dealing with a narcissist in a long-distance situation, and I’ll put the link in the description below.
5. Catfishing and Exploitation
Some narcissists have catfish profiles and will use future faking to keep the illusion running that there’s something real about them. They often do this to financially exploit their targets, but will never show their true face, let alone meet up with you. Some are still married or in another commitment you won’t know about.
You’ll notice they start breadcrumbing you after some very intense interest, only to keep stringing you along. Never get involved with someone who is still married or only separated; you’ll only end up hurting yourself. Go no contact and let them figure it out.
6. Fantasizing About Cohabitation
If you’re headed toward an intimate relationship with a narcissist, chances are they’re trying to move in together, especially when they’re transitioning from one relationship to the next.
They like to fantasize about the perfect home together. I remember how my ex-partner would drag me to a house viewing in the neighborhood and make a clown of himself in front of the real estate agent, or he would constantly tell me about the house we’d have together in California with a shared office space.
Meanwhile, he could barely save $600 to pay his rent each month. They may show you pictures of furniture, go with you to IKEA or other markets, even if it’s completely out of their budget.
7. False Promises of Family
This leads me to my next point: they talk about raising a family and having children with you, even though they may not want to have any children at all. Some narcissists won’t even tell you they can’t have children anymore, only to string you along, or they hide the ones they have with others.
They’ll tell you whatever you want to hear. While you’re looking at the perfect home together, they’ll say things like, “This could be our daughter’s room, and in the backyard, I’m going to play baseball with our son.” They truly want to make you believe in this perfect Hallmark Christmas movie you could both live in, playing with your feelings that way. But remember, they don’t make good parents.
Children are merely an extension of themselves to gain more power, control, or attention from others, like a guarantee to obtain additional rights or benefits. If they cannot love you, they cannot love their children, and hurting a parent inevitably hurts them too.
8. Financial Manipulation
Another thing they do, usually related to the low-life, broke narcissist who’s after your money, is come up with wild ideas and plans about how they want to win big in life and get rich. Narcissists are all about getting rich fast because they lack the focus, patience, consistency, and social skills to achieve wealth built on a solid foundation.
They’re also not good investors, making investments based on short-term thinking and instant gratification. These are exactly the kind of narcissists who will be after your money. They may start borrowing smaller amounts here and there, promising to pay them back, and they most likely will until they’ve built enough trust with you and start reaching for bigger chunks, of which you see no payback at all.
Meanwhile, you may catch them buying useless stuff or feeding their addictions instead of paying off their debts. But because you still believe in their potential, and they tell you, “Once I’ve reached my goal or have a new job, I’ll pay you back immediately,” you keep giving. That day never comes.
9. Fake Job Prospects
This goes hand in hand with them lying about getting new qualifications or a new job. They may even fake job applications or appointments for an interview while having a good time with someone else. They’ll send you a quick text saying, “I’m off to a job interview, wish me luck,” for the one they never heard back from, of course.
Over time, you become their caretaker, paying their bills, their rent, or for their school or training to improve themselves and hopefully find a job. Strangely, nothing ever bears fruit.
10. False Apologies and Temporary Change
I kept the most obvious sign of future faking for last. After all the crap you’ve been dealing with, when they see you pulling away, a narcissist will give you a fake apology and promise to change. Usually, they only change temporarily. They like to kiss up, and you can feel an “ick” when it happens.
They will never change for real. Narcissists can’t have a real connection with another human being; it’s all about securing their narcissistic supply. Never mind if you walk away from them; they’re simply monkey-branching to the next one they’ve already been grooming in the background. If that doesn’t work, then the law of attraction definitely will.
Beware of the Spiritual Narcissist
Beware of the spiritual narcissist. I believe in the law of attraction, but it takes a lot more than just talking about it, listening to tarot card readers, or hanging up pictures to visualize your future. You have to put in the actual work, honest work, over a long period.
Narcissists are not mastering the law of attraction because they scheme and con their way through life. How can you attract the right things if you can’t stay positive around a narcissist yourself? There is no future with them. All they know is how to manipulate, sabotage, and bet on their luck. In the end, they only sabotage their future, just like their relationship with you.
Breaking the Trauma Bond
Narcissists are eager to burn this imprint of a future together into your mind, but remember: if you stand with one leg in the past and one leg in the future, you’re pissing all over today. And oh my god, aren’t they always dwelling on the past? That’s why they get nothing done.
Another problem that future-faking creates is that it reinforces your trauma bond. That’s why it’s so important to go no contact and heal from narcissistic abuse. Once you’ve walked away from the narcissist, you may have constant reminders of the life you wanted to create together, for instance, if you finally decide to buy a house or look for a new apartment on your own.
Or when they come back to Hoover, you, reminding you of the good times and the few positive memories you created together. They’ll play on your feelings and bring up the plans you used to have to manipulate you back into that toxic and abusive cycle, keeping you as small and unfulfilled as before.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
It’s important to keep healthy boundaries with people and not allow them to infiltrate your mind. You can achieve this by observing whether their words are met with actions over time or what achievements they’ve already had in their life. Are they financially stable? Do they have a lot of broken relationships?
Are they easily triggered when questioned about the future or confronted with reality? Don’t get sucked into their fairy tale. Narcissists prey on your dreams and play with your hopes, but hopes are often based on fear, anxiety, or desperation, especially if you’ve been around them long enough. Somehow, we also end up gaslighting ourselves that way.
The Cost of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissists waste your time, money, energy, and other resources. They break your trust and spirit, and you become very insecure over time. Your mental and physical health will be so affected by their abuse that sometimes victims have to work for two or lose their jobs because they cannot focus anymore and have no energy left for basic tasks.
How’s that supposed to help you work on your future dreams? If you bring up any concerns, they call you too demanding, guilt-trip you, or love-bomb you again to stop your complaining, which is just future faking you again, because, as we all know, the love-bombing isn’t real.
Past Behavior Predicts Future Behavior
You need to keep in mind that narcissists are only committed to meeting their own needs for narcissistic supply. Their commitment doesn’t involve creating a happy future full of sunshine and rainbows with you.
Therefore, I guess we can commonly agree that the only prospect they cannot fake is that there will be more abuse and exploitation on the horizon if you stay with them. All of this being said, always remember that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Thank you very much for reading, and have a great day!
