Covert narcissists are skilled manipulators, hiding their real intentions behind stealth behavior. They are less conspicuous than overt narcissists because they don’t proclaim what they believe and perceive out loud. They are thus more difficult to recognize. But their speech patterns give them away. These are seven indicators to pay attention to when communicating with a possible covert narcissist. Knowing these indicators ahead of time can save you from being manipulated.
1. Over-the-Top Niceness and Flattery
In the early stages, covert narcissists come across as excessively charming and flattering. They shower you with compliments and seem “too good to be true.” This is often part of the love-bombing phase, where they aim to win your trust and affection. If someone’s niceness feels overly sugary or perfect, take note, it’s a red flag. Genuine kindness is consistent over time, so observe if their behavior holds up.
2. Excessive Promises and Offers
Covert narcissists frequently make grand promises or offer help, like assisting with your car, kids, or other tasks, even when they barely know you. These offers are designed to make you feel indebted and to position them as your “hero.” However, they often fail to follow through. Be cautious if someone is overly eager to do favors early in a relationship; it may be a tactic to gain your trust and control.
Related Topics:
7 Tips for Dealing with A Covert Narcissist
5 SIGNS a Narcissist Doesn’t Just HATE You
3. Mirroring Your Interests
Covert narcissists are skilled at mirroring your personality and interests to create a false sense of connection. If you mention you’re religious, they’ll claim to be too. Love horses? They’ll say they do as well. This mirroring makes you feel like you’ve found a soulmate, but it’s a calculated move to build trust. If someone seems to share all your passions too perfectly, question their authenticity.
4. Sob Stories and Fake Vulnerability
A hallmark of covert narcissists is sharing emotional sob stories, often about their childhood, to elicit sympathy. They may claim, “I’ve never told anyone this,” to make you feel special and foster a fake bond. These stories serve two purposes: portraying themselves as victims to excuse future bad behavior and feigning vulnerability to manipulate your emotions. Be wary of early, overly personal disclosures.
5. Sarcasm and Passive-Aggressive Remarks
Covert narcissists often use sarcasm and subtle jabs to undermine you while maintaining plausible deniability. They might make a snide comment and then say, “I’m just joking!” These remarks are deliberate, designed to make you feel insecure or confused. If someone frequently uses sarcasm or admits to being “a bit of an [expletive] sometimes,” take it as a warning they’re revealing their true nature.
6. Backhanded Compliments
Another tactic is the backhanded compliment, where they disguise an insult as praise. For example, they might say, “You look great in that dress, but it looked better last year when you were thinner.” These comments leave you questioning whether you were complimented or insulted. Covert narcissists use this strategy to subtly chip away at your self-esteem while appearing kind.
7. Non-Communication and Silent Treatment
Covert narcissists are often cold and calculating, using silence as a weapon. During conversations, they may give blank stares, avoid eye contact, or offer minimal responses, leaving you begging for validation. They might “yes” you to death or patronize you with phrases like, “You’re always right.” This non-communication is a form of control, meant to confuse and destabilize you. Their shifty eyes and refusal to engage fully are telltale signs of their detachment.
Spotting a covert narcissist in conversation requires paying attention to these subtle but consistent red flags. Their overly charming demeanor, empty promises, mirroring, sob stories, sarcasm, backhanded compliments, and periods of silence are all tools of manipulation. Trust your instincts if something feels off; it probably is. Take your time to assess people’s consistency and authenticity to avoid falling into their traps.
