Today I’m talking about 10 strategies to help you respond to a covert narcissist when they’re devaluing you, looking for a fight, or trying to provoke an emotional reaction from you.
Now, I’m sure you know by now that a covert narcissist almost always starts the relationship by idealizing you, making you feel like the most special and important person in the world. But over time, this idealization turns to devaluation. This is the point where the mask slips and their attitudes and behaviors towards you start to shift dramatically.
So, where they used to shower you with attention and admiration, now they criticize you, highlighting all of your flaws, blaming you, and making you feel like an inadequate partner and person. Their attacks are extremely cutting and aimed at tearing you down emotionally. Any sensitive information that you may have shared with them will be used to diminish you. It’s like they just have this way of picking and poking at your insecurities, constantly trying to push your buttons, get under your skin, and see how far they can push before you snap.
If you’re in a relationship like this, ending it and going no contact would be your best bet. But this isn’t always possible. So, here are 10 ways to respond to a covert narcissist to help you protect your emotional energy and your sanity if you’re not able to cut ties with them for whatever reasons.
1: Under-react
Narcissists want you to get angry, upset, or defensive because these intense emotional reactions give them a sense of power. They know that as long as they can control your emotions, they can control you. So, when you stay calm, it throws them off and confuses them, undermining their sense of control.
Let’s say they try to provoke you with insults, baiting, and emotional jabs. Just keep your responses neutral and unemotional, and deny them that payoff they’re craving. This disrupts their ability to manipulate you, leaving them feeling powerless.
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Of course, you will be accused of not caring, dismissing their needs and emotions, or even being cold-hearted. You need to know that one way or another, they will play the victim. But these accusations are just another attempt to manipulate you and force an emotional reaction out of you.
In the long run, your ability to control your emotions in the face of such manipulations will help you build strength, resilience, confidence, and self-respect. It weakens their power over you, putting you back in control of your own emotions.
2: React in Unexpected or Opposite Ways
A narcissist will start by studying you. They’ll learn your triggers, and figure out which buttons provoke which reactions, and if they don’t succeed the first time, they’ll just keep pressing those buttons until they find the right one. They do this because it gives them a sense of power and security to know that when they push one button, you react predictably almost like they’re operating you with a remote control.
So, when they press that button and you react unexpectedly or oppositely, it’s like pressing the off button on a TV remote, but instead of the TV shutting off like it’s supposed to, the volume goes down, or the channel changes. This confuses and frustrates the narcissist because their sense of security is deeply tied to being able to control their emotions and reactions.
3: Give ’em a Puzzled Look
When they say something outrageous, instead of engaging with them, just give them a confused look and say, “Interesting. Could you repeat that?”
By doing this, you’re depriving them of the emotional reaction they were hoping for, and it creates a moment of uncertainty for them. This response shows that you’re not fazed and you’re not buying into their manipulations. So, they might momentarily be speechless, trying to figure out how to regain control of the conversation and the narrative.
4: Look Them Straight in the Eye
This shows that you see through their manipulations and that you’re not intimidated by them. Of course, they will try to twist this and claim that you’re not being respectful, that you’re being dismissive. But the key here is not to react defensively or in anger or spite. Simply stand your ground with a calm, confident nonverbal cue that you’re not buying into their games or engaging in their emotional manipulation tactics.
It’s a small but powerful display of self-assurance that can unsettle the narcissist momentarily.
5: Withdraw Your Attention
If a narcissist is being aggressive, insulting, or emotionally abusive towards you, just withdraw your attention. I don’t mean ghosting them and acting like they don’t exist. I’m just talking about respectfully and consciously choosing not to give any attention to their emotional drama.
So, you can look away, focus on something else, or simply step away for a moment. By pulling your attention away in these moments when they’re trying to create drama, you leave them with nothing to feed on emotionally. It sends a clear message that you’re not putting up with this manipulation.
Then, when they start to calm down, you can return your attention in a way that reinforces more positive behavior on their part. But don’t expect this to work miracles. This isn’t about changing them; it’s simply about self-preservation.
6: Don’t Overexplain or Defend Yourself
Narcissists are trying to draw you into long-winded arguments where they twist your words around and make you defend yourself endlessly. And let me save you the suspense: at the end of it all, you’re always to blame, they’re always the victim, and their goal is not to have a genuine conversation or resolve anything. It’s about controlling the narrative and maintaining their victim stance.
So, instead of getting lured into that trap, sidestep it and say something like, “I hear what you’re saying, but we’re going to have to agree to disagree on this one.”
Now, make sure that you’re not throwing in a few jabs to prove your points afterward. Otherwise, you’re just fueling the fire and giving them more leverage to attack your character and manipulate your emotions.
7: Use Silence as a Tool
Sometimes, the best thing to do is just stay quiet. Just knowing that you don’t have to engage in their verbal acrobatics can be a relief in and of itself. When you remain silent, you take away their leverage, and they just can’t escalate the situation without you.
They thrive on getting the last word and getting that reaction, but your silence robs them of that. It creates a space where their attempts to provoke and manipulate you fall flat. Silence also sends a powerful message that you’re not available or willing to engage in their drama.
8: Use A.I. for Text & Written Correspondence
In emotionally charged situations with narcissists, written communication can become a huge battlefield. Their long, drawn-out messages are filled with emotional jabs, and it can make it hard to figure out what they’re even trying to get at. And when you’re emotionally overwhelmed, it’s easy to write something that will escalate the drama and the conflict.
So, one way to manage this more effectively is by using AI tools to help you draft a neutral response. You can simply cut and paste their message into the AI chat box and ask them to write a response that’s calm and non-reactive. Or, if you prefer, you can draft your response, then cut and paste it into AI and ask it to neutralize it, making it free from emotional triggers.
This can help you avoid getting pulled into the drama while ensuring that your communications are effective and controlled, even when you’re emotionally charged. Also, if the narcissist still reacts negatively to your response, you’ll know that there was nothing you could have said to avoid their negative reaction—because even AI couldn’t get it right.
9: Enforce Your Boundaries
Narcissists will test your limits to no end, so it’s important to get clear within yourself about what you will and won’t tolerate whether that’s verbal abuse, manipulation, or emotional games. If they cross a line, calmly let them know that you won’t tolerate this behavior anymore and set a clear consequence.
It’s important to be calm, respectful, and firm while you’re doing this. So, for example, you can say something like, “I’m not going to have this conversation right now with you yelling at me,” letting them know that this conversation will not continue if they cross your lines.
It’s important to be consistent in enforcing these boundaries, even if they’re pushing back on you or guilt-tripping you. The goal here isn’t to punish them or change their behavior; it’s simply to protect your emotional well-being and your boundaries.
10: Don’t Fall into the Trap of Trying to Change the Narcissist
It’s tempting to think that if you could just explain how their hurtful behavior is affecting you, they’d realize it and change. But this will backfire. Any attempt to get them to acknowledge their bad behavior or their narcissistic tendencies will be perceived as a direct threat to their fragile self-image. Admitting that they’ve done something wrong would shatter their perfect illusion.
