Have you ever tried to have a simple conversation with a covert narcissist, only to be met with defensiveness, guilt-tripping, or having all of the blame shifted onto you? No matter how carefully you approach a conversation with a covert narcissist or how good your intentions are, you end up going in circles, feeling more and more frustrated, and somehow, you end up like the bad guy.
Today, I’m going to give you seven tips to deal with a covert narcissist in ways that can help you save your energy and your sanity. Before we jump in, I just want to point out that these strategies are specifically aimed at dealing with covert narcissists and not grandiose narcissists, sociopaths, or people with other personality disorders.
Also, as obvious as it is to say this, the best way to protect yourself from a covert narcissist is to get out of the relationship and go to no contact. But I get that this isn’t always possible. Maybe you’re in a trauma bond, maybe you’re co-parenting, or there’s some other thing that’s keeping you tied to them.
So, these strategies are to help you manage your side of the interactions with them in a way that minimizes the emotional toll on you, especially when walking away isn’t an option.
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The first thing is to adjust your expectations.
Now, we can all struggle to admit when we’re wrong or to see someone else’s perspective sometimes, but a covert narcissist literally can’t take accountability. So, they might act like they’re apologizing or taking accountability, but in their next sentence, they are blaming you.
Apologizing or admitting fault is next to impossible for them because it would require acknowledging that they’re not perfect and that they’re not the victim in every single situation. So, any conversation that involves your needs, your opinions, your concerns, or any mistakes that they might have made will become a minefield of denial, deflection, minimizing, justifying, blame-shifting, or gaslighting.
And if you confront an issue and you try to hold their feet to the fire with concrete evidence, they’ll either dismiss the facts entirely, twist them up to make you look unreasonable, overdramatic, or controlling, or they’ll simply shut down completely, giving you the silent treatment.
Stonewalling is a classic move where, instead of addressing the issue, they withdraw emotionally and give you the cold shoulder. It’s their way of punishing you and reasserting control, making you feel like you’re the one causing problems rather than taking responsibility for their actions.
So, stop expecting accountability and get it into your head that they are never wrong or at fault. And when I say never, it might not be 100% of the time, but it’s at least 98%. So, if it’s a 70-30 split when it comes to taking responsibility, you’re probably not dealing with a true covert narcissist because a true covert narcissist sees the world through a victim lens, and everyone else is to blame all of the time for their problems, no matter the circumstances or evidence.
But you have to ask yourself, what are the statistical odds that you’re always the one in the wrong? Just know that even if you present your case perfectly, it doesn’t matter. They won’t take responsibility. Instead, the conversation will spiral until somehow you’re the one at fault while they walk away feeling validated in their victim identity.
Number two: Avoid falling into their emotional traps.
Covert narcissists often set emotional traps to provoke an emotional reaction from you. They know how to push your buttons, whether it’s using passive-aggressive comments, guilt trips, or making subtle digs that invite you to defend yourself. So, don’t take the bait. Notice when they’re in that mood, looking for a fight, and instead of stepping into the ring, just take a step back and deny them the opportunity to manipulate your emotions.
Now, you should know that if you don’t engage in their emotional games, they will accuse you of being distant, cold, selfish, or uncaring. This is just the next level of manipulation to get you to engage. It means you passed the first test. Here’s an example of how this might play out: Let’s say your covert narcissist wife is in that mood, and she’s complaining about you leaving crumbs on the counter.
Let’s say, and you say, “Oh, sorry, I hadn’t noticed,” and you grab a dishcloth to clean it up. But what seemed like a minor complaint with a simple solution ends up snowballing into her accusing you of being messy and inconsiderate. You might hear, “I shouldn’t have to tell you these things. It’s like you’re my third child.” And then, the next thing you know, you’re being mischaracterized as irresponsible or as a disgusting slob who doesn’t care about anybody but yourself.
If you still don’t engage, she’ll try another level of manipulation. So, she might start comparing you to someone who is, in her eyes, the ideal partner. So, you might hear, “Why can’t you be like so-and-so?” All of this is to make you feel inadequate and to get you to engage emotionally. And if you don’t, she’ll just keep upping the ante, trying to escalate things.
She might say something like, “Oh, now you’re just going to walk away? How mature. I don’t know why I still expect you to act like an adult.” So, it’s not about the crumbs. It’s about blaming you for her unhappiness, for not measuring up to her standards, and shaming you for failing to be the partner she thinks you should be.
And here’s another twist: Let’s say you do try to appease her, and you apologize. You say something like, “I’m sorry that I upset you by leaving crumbs on the counter. I’ll try not to do that again. How can I make it up to you?” In this case, that seems reasonable, but it’s just opening the door for more complaints, for her to highlight her dissatisfaction and your inadequacies, and to give you a longer list of demands to get you working harder to please her. Or, she might just dismiss you, saying something like, “If I have to tell you what to say or do, then it doesn’t count, does it?”
So, it’s important to recognize these tactics and traps and to know that the goal isn’t to have a productive conversation or to resolve an issue. It’s to project their shame and other negative emotions onto you so that they can validate themselves as the victim.
Number three: Don’t offer solutions or constructive feedback.
So, let’s say your covert narcissist girlfriend comes to you asking you for advice or your opinion on something. As genuine as this might seem, it is just another trap. They’re not looking for real solutions, especially not ones that suggest that they might have a role in the problems that they’re facing or that they need to make some changes. What they want is your sympathy and validation of their victim narrative. They want you to tell them that they’re right, everyone else (including you) is wrong, and that life is just so unfair to them.
So, any suggestion that you make will be taken as criticism when, in reality, you’re just trying to help. Now, the one exception to this rule is if you try to soothe her with something of material value. Then, for a brief moment, you may be spared. In those instances, she’ll likely act grateful, using it as an opportunity to keep you hooked and reinforce her victim story in a way that benefits her. But outside of this, any attempt to provide constructive feedback or suggest solutions will be twisted into an attack on you. You’ll be accused of not taking her side, not having the emotional capacity to support her, and so on.
The only way things will go somewhat smoothly is if the entire conversation revolves around her and you’re doing everything in your power to stroke her ego, affirm that she’s the victim, and provide the emotional validation that she’s craving. So, even if you have the perfect solution, try to understand that this is not what she’s looking for. She’s only looking for you to validate her chronic complaints.
And here’s the catch: If you don’t validate her perfectly, she’ll turn on you, and she’ll turn to someone else for that validation she’s craving. And when this happens, you’ll be portrayed as the one who failed her, as a bad partner who couldn’t meet her basic emotional needs. And after everything you’ve done to help her, you’ll be to blame for everything that’s going wrong in her world.
Number four: Let them think that they are in control.
Covert narcissists thrive on feeling superior and in control. So, trying to challenge them directly often leads to even more conflict and drama. So, a more effective approach can be to let them think that they’re calling the shots and winning while you quietly maintain your power and your autonomy.
This means strategically choosing your battles and framing things in a way that makes them feel like it was their brilliant idea. This shift allows them to feel like they’re in control so that they don’t have to escalate their tactics to put you back into your place because they think you’re already in your place.
Number five: Emotionally detach from their validation and approval.
Covert narcissists are masters at getting you hooked on their approval. So, at the beginning of the relationship, they shower you with affection and validation. They make you feel so special and needed. But then, once you’re hooked on that validation, they start using it to manipulate and control you. Over time, you’ll find yourself desperately trying to please them, bending over backwards to get their scraps of affection and approval, even though most of the time, they’re treating you terribly.
And as long as you’re measuring your self-worth by their moods and their approval, you will be under their thumb. So, sometimes they will give you a good dose of affection and approval to remind you just how good it feels to get their love, and they reel you back in this way, convincing you that everything could be the way it was if only you could figure out how to get it right.
But the truth is, there is no way to get it right, and the more you try, the more you will lose your confidence, your self-worth, and your sense of self. So, don’t feed off of their validation or seek their approval. When you get it, try to see it for what it is: just another tactic to manipulate you so that they can feel more secure and in control.
Number six: Set boundaries and stick to them.
Covert narcissists will push your boundaries in subtle ways to manipulate you into giving more, more, and more, whether that’s your time, your energy, your money, or your emotional investment. And they won’t typically bust through your closed door like a grandiose narcissist will. They tend to push the door open one inch at a time, taking just a bit more than you agreed to at every opportunity. So, you might not notice how much you’re giving in and giving up because it happens slowly over time.
So, as much as it might seem unreasonable to hold your ground so strictly, it’s important to recognize when you’re the only one compromising while they’re never giving an inch. You will be shocked by the number of contradictions and double standards there are when it comes to boundaries.
A covert narcissist will expect full compliance on your part, but they always have valid reasons for resisting what you need and what you expect in return. And if you stand up for yourself, they will turn the tables to make you feel selfish for expecting any sort of balance in the relationship.
So, once you get clear within yourself about your boundaries, it’s up to you whether you want to compromise at times, depending on the situation. But don’t expect them to, and pay attention to how often you’re giving in while they never budge or how their reasons for breaking commitments and boundaries are always valid, but yours never are.
Here’s an example: Let’s say your narcissistic wife is a half-hour late for a date. She arrives and casually tells you how she got caught up at work. You let her know that you would have appreciated a phone call and a heads-up, and basically, this ruins the whole date because now she’s upset and feels like you have no empathy for the stress she’s under at work.
A week later, you show up five minutes late for a date because you got caught in traffic. You called to warn her, but she didn’t pick up. You get there, and she’s livid, telling you how you have no respect for her time, as though she has completely forgotten about last week’s incident. So, it’s like when she breaches boundaries, it’s completely valid, but if you do, even if it’s to a much lesser degree, it’s the end of the world.
Number seven: Consult with others.
When dealing with a covert narcissist, it’s easy to get confused or to question reality. That’s why it’s very helpful to talk to trusted friends, family members, or even a therapist. They can offer clarity and validate your experience without the narcissist’s ongoing, constant manipulation. Or you can even use AI tools to gain a rational, objective perspective. But it’s important to trust the perspectives of those who have your best interest at heart and not the narcissist’s narrative.
It’s important to remember that staying calm, not taking the bait, and being responsible for your emotions and your actions is much easier said than done when you’re dealing with a covert narcissist. And it’s a lot of work. So, if you feel trapped in this toxic cycle and you want out, then consider reaching out to a mental health professional in your area who specializes in narcissistic abuse.
