Have you ever felt like you were going crazy after confronting somebody who’s been manipulating you? You finally gathered the courage to speak up about their behavior, only to walk away feeling like you were the problem. That’s not an accident; it’s exactly what covert narcissists want you to feel.
Today, I’m going to reveal the five shocking reactions you’ll face when exposing a covert narcissist. But by the end of this article, you’ll never doubt yourself in these situations again.
1. The Immediate Victim Switch
When you finally gather the courage to confront a covert narcissist about their hurtful behaviors, something truly remarkable happens. What if I told you that, in the blink of an eye, the person who’s been hurting you will transform into the most wounded victim you’ve ever seen?
This transformation is both stunning and disorienting to witness. One moment, you’re calmly explaining how their actions have affected you, and suddenly, they’re in tears, shoulders slumped, voice quivering with emotion. The switch happens so quickly that you might even wonder if you imagined the whole confrontation.
You’ll notice that they immediately claim that your words have deeply wounded them: “Oh, I can’t believe you would say something so hurtful to me.” They might sob or say, “I’m devastated that you would think these things about me.” The intensity of their reaction often makes you question if you’ve been too harsh, even when you’ve approached the conversation with care and respect.
What becomes particularly evident is how they focus entirely on their emotional response (narcissist, big shocker, right?) rather than addressing any of the specific behaviors you’ve brought up. Your concerns get completely sidelined as the conversation shifts to consoling them. This is not accidental; it’s a calculated redirection tactic that covert narcissists have pretty much perfected.
This victim persona serves a very specific purpose: it’s designed to activate your natural empathy. Most caring people can’t easily witness somebody in apparent distress without wanting to help them. The narcissist knows this and leverages your compassion against you, making you feel guilty for having spoken up in the first place. “How could you hurt me like this when you know what I’ve been through?” becomes the unspoken accusation that’s always hanging in the air, isn’t it?
You might also find them bringing up their past traumas or difficulties as a shield against taking accountability: “Well, you know I had a difficult childhood,” or “I’ve been under so much stress at work lately.” They’ll be sure to remind you often, effectively positioning themselves as somebody who deserves special consideration rather than somebody who needs to take responsibility for their behaviors in the relationship.
Related Topics:
7 Tips for Dealing with A Covert Narcissist
7 Subtle Tricks Covert Narcissists Use to Control You
Tactics NARCISSISTS Use To Confuse Conversations
Best Responses to a Covert Narcissist’s Emotional Attacks?
How Narcissists Manipulate Even the Smartest People?
The most confusing part? You’ll likely feel an overwhelming urge to comfort them, even though you were the one seeking resolution from their harmful behavior. You might find yourself apologizing for bringing up the issue at all or reassuring them that you didn’t mean to upset them so much. This complete role reversal from you seeking support to you providing it is the hallmark of a successful victim switch.
If you’ve experienced this bewildering reaction, please know you are not alone. This pattern repeats itself in countless relationships with covert narcissists, and recognizing it is the first step toward breaking free from its effects.
2. Gaslighting and Reality Distortion
After experiencing the victim switch, you’ll likely encounter an even more destabilizing tactic. What happens when someone tries to convince you that your memories aren’t real, and why is it so effective at making you doubt your mind? This psychological manipulation, known as gaslighting, is perhaps the most insidious tool in the covert narcissist’s arsenal.
You’re going to hear phrases like, “Oh, that never happened,” or “Oh, you’re remembering it wrong,” even about events that you recall. The narcissist will say these things with such conviction that you might momentarily or even for longer wonder if your memory is indeed just faulty.
This direct contradiction of your reality creates a profound and lasting cognitive dissonance. It’s a deeply uncomfortable feeling that arises when two conflicting beliefs exist simultaneously in your mind. But the narcissist doesn’t stop at simple denial; they will present an entirely different version of events where they were reasonable, patient, and accommodating, while you were irrational, oversensitive, or overreacting.
“I was just offering a suggestion, and you completely blew up at me,” they might say about an incident where they actually criticized you harshly and then some. This alternate narrative is crafted so meticulously that you may begin to question your perception of the original interaction.
What makes this particularly confusing is how they twist your words and intentions. If you mention feeling hurt by something they said, they might respond, “Oh, so you’re saying I’m a terrible person who always tries to hurt you?” This deliberate misrepresentation of your words attributes malicious motives to you that were never there in the first place. The narcissist transforms your reasonable concern into an attack on them, making you defensive and shifting focus away from their behavior, once again leaving them free of accountability.
When direct denial and distortion aren’t working, they often employ another tactic: bringing up completely unrelated past mistakes you’ve made. “Well, what about the time you forgot my birthday?” they might interject in a conversation about their recent disrespectful behavior. This strategic pivoting serves two purposes: it distracts from the current issue at hand and also subtly undermines your credibility as somebody worthy of respect, consideration, and, frankly, belief.
The isolation intensifies when the narcissist claims that others share their perspective: “Oh, everyone thinks you’re too sensitive,” or “Oh, I was talking to Sarah, and she agreed that you overreacted.” These statements may be completely fabricated, but they serve to make you feel alone in your experience as though your perception is at odds with everyone else’s. This social validation of their reality further erodes your confidence in your own.
The cumulative effect of these tactics is profound. You’ll likely leave the conversation questioning your memory, wondering if you’re being unreasonable, and feeling confused about what happened. But the mental fog isn’t a sign of weakness or cognitive deficiency; it’s the natural result of having your reality systematically undermined by someone you trust.
3. The Smear Campaign (A Narcissist Classic)
After attempting to distort your reality through gaslighting, the covert narcissist often takes their manipulation to a more public arena. Now, why would somebody who claims to care about you suddenly start poisoning your reputation with others, and how far will they really go to maintain the mask of their image?
The smear campaign typically begins before you even realize it’s happening. While you’re still processing the confusion from your confrontation, the narcissist is already reaching out to your shared social circle. You’ll eventually discover that they’ve been sharing a carefully distorted narrative about you with friends, family members, and even work colleagues. This preemptive strike serves a critical purpose: it undermines your credibility before you even have a chance to share your experience with others.
What makes these narratives particularly effective for a narcissist is how meticulously they’re crafted. The narcissist doesn’t simply call you crazy or difficult (although those labels might be implied and later used by flying monkeys). Instead, they construct elaborate stories that paint themselves as patient, reasonable, and concerned about you while portraying you as unstable, angry, or mentally unwell.
“I’m worried about her,” they might confide to a mutual friend. “She’s been acting so irrationally lately. You know, I’m trying to be supportive, but it’s just becoming too much.” This false concern creates an impression of them as a compassionate party dealing with your supposed instability and furthers their victim narrative.
You might first notice something is wrong when mutual friends suddenly become a bit distant or begin treating you differently without any clear explanation. Someone who was previously warm might now seem hesitant or uncomfortable around you. When you reach out, they might offer vague responses or seem reluctant to spend time together. These subtle shifts in your relationships can feel profoundly disorienting, especially when you don’t yet understand their source.
What makes the narcissist’s story so convincing is their strategic use of half-truths. They’ll include just enough factual elements to make their narrative seem believable to others while distorting the context, sequence, or meaning of events. Perhaps you did raise your voice during an argument, but only after hours of being provoked and gaslit by the narcissist. The narcissist will highlight your emotional reaction while completely erasing the provocative behavior that led you to it. The selective presentation of facts makes their version seem credible to outsiders who weren’t present for the full interaction.
But perhaps the most disturbing is how they’ll share private information about you that was disclosed in confidence. Vulnerabilities, insecurities, or personal struggles that you shared during intimate moments are now weaponized to support their portrayal of you as unstable or unreliable. If you once mentioned experiencing anxiety, this becomes, “She has severe mental health issues.” If you shared past relationship difficulties, this transforms into, “She has a pattern of creating drama with everyone she dates.” These betrayals of confidence serve to isolate you further while bolstering their narrative.
The cumulative effect of these tactics is that you’ll feel shocked at how quickly your social network can be turned against you through their strategic manipulation. People you once trusted may now view you with suspicion, pity, or even worse, outright contempt. Some might even approach you with well-intended but misguided advice based on the false narrative they’ve been fed by the narcissist. This erosion of your support system happens precisely when you most need validation and connection, leaving you vulnerable and isolated.
4. The Hoover Maneuver
Just when you think the situation couldn’t become more disorienting, the covert narcissist introduces yet another psychological tactic that catches many survivors completely off guard. What if the person you just confronted suddenly transformed into the most loving, attentive version of themselves you’ve ever seen, and why is this a very dangerous moment?
This dramatic shift in behavior, known as hoovering (named after the vacuum cleaner for its ability to suck you back in), often occurs when the narcissist senses they’re losing control or that you might be pulling away from the relationship. You’ll be genuinely surprised when, after employing the victim role, gaslighting you, and perhaps even a smear campaign, the narcissist suddenly becomes incredibly charming and attentive. It’s like the love-bombing phase all over again. This transformation may seem to happen overnight, leaving you wondering if your previous concerns were somehow mistaken and you were wrong yet again.
The hoovering phase is characterized by an abundance of positive attention and affection. They’ll send thoughtful messages checking on your well-being, give unexpected gifts that demonstrate remarkable thoughtfulness, or make grand gestures that would have meant the world to you earlier in the relationship—especially during the devaluation phase. “I saw this and immediately thought of you,” they’ll say, presenting you with something that acknowledges your interests in a way that makes you feel deeply seen and valued. These actions seem to indicate genuine care and consideration, making their previous toxic behaviors feel like a distant memory or a bad dream.
But this apparent transformation can also create profound confusion. You’ll find yourself wondering if you overreacted in your confrontations or if you misinterpreted their previous toxic behaviors. After all, how could somebody this attentive and loving be the same person who was dismissing your feelings or distorting your reality just days ago? This cognitive dissonance, the mental discomfort of holding two contradictory beliefs simultaneously, makes it very difficult to maintain a clear perspective on the relationship dynamics.
What makes the hoovering phase particularly effective for the narcissist is how they make specific promises—future faking about changing exactly the behaviors you confronted them about. If you raised concerns about them ignoring your messages, they suddenly become extraordinarily responsive. If you mentioned feeling dismissed when sharing your feelings, they now listen attentively and ask thoughtful follow-up questions. This targeted improvement suggests a level of self-awareness and willingness to change that, on the surface at least, seems genuine and promising for your future together.
Their communication during this phase is carefully crafted to reinforce this impression of growth and realization. They’ll use phrases like, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what you said,” or “I realize now how much you mean to me and how I’ve taken you for granted.” These statements are great to hear because they acknowledge your concerns without fully admitting wrongdoing while also making you feel valued, loved, and important. The narcissist may even share insights about their behavior that sound remarkably and unusually self-aware, making you believe they’re capable of the introspection necessary to genuinely change.
But what’s crucial to understand is that while this phase feels wonderful, perhaps even like the relationship you’ve always wanted, it typically lasts only until they feel they’ve regained control of you in the relationship. Once you’ve recommitted, shown forgiveness, or dropped your guard, the attentiveness sometimes fades gradually, much faster. The thoughtful messages start to evaporate, listening becomes more superficial, and then maybe even outright dismissal, and the old patterns begin to reemerge often so insidiously that you don’t immediately notice the shift. By the time you recognize what’s happening, you’re already reinvested in the relationship, and the cycle begins again.
5. Enlisting Flying Monkeys
As if the previous four tactics weren’t disorienting enough, the covert narcissist often employs one final strategy that can feel like the ultimate betrayal. How does the covert narcissist turn even well-meaning people into unwitting weapons against you, and why might someone you trust suddenly start pressuring you to “make peace”?
This manipulation tactic involves recruiting third parties, often referred to as flying monkeys in psychology circles, to do their emotional bidding for them, so they don’t get their hands too dirty themselves. You’ll find yourself being approached by mutual friends, family members, or colleagues who urge you to forgive the narcissist and move forward with the relationship or to move on without them. These conversations often come as a shock, especially when they’re initiated by people you previously considered to be neutral or even very supportive of you.
What makes this dynamic particularly complex is that these “flying monkeys” usually believe they’re helping the situation. Unlike the narcissist, they aren’t consciously trying to manipulate you. Rather, they’ve been manipulated themselves into serving as unwitting proxies for the narcissist. They’ve been told a carefully constructed version of events from the narcissist that frames the narcissist as remorseful, reasonable, and even helpful while portraying you as unnecessarily stubborn or unforgiving. And so, your friend genuinely believes they’re doing a good thing by trying to facilitate reconciliation, unaware that they’re being used and becoming an instrument in the narcissist’s ongoing control and manipulation tactics.
The messages delivered by these well-meaning intermediaries often follow predictable patterns. You’ll hear phrases like, “You know, they love you and miss you,” or “They’re going through a really hard time right now,” or maybe even, “You know, they’ve changed and deserve another chance.” These messages appeal to your compassion and may trigger guilt about maintaining your distance. The emotional weight of these appeals is significant, especially when they come from people whose opinions you value and whose intentions you trust.
But what’s particularly insidious about this tactic is how strategically the narcissist selects their messengers. They don’t choose just anyone to approach you—they carefully identify people that you respect, that you care about, or whose approval matters to you. Maybe it’s a family member whose opinion carries special weight, a longtime friend who has always given you sound advice, or a mentor whose wisdom you’ve relied on in the past. This careful selection ensures that the pressure to reconcile comes from sources that are difficult for you to dismiss or ignore because of their value and importance in your life.
Now, as these conversations multiply, you may feel increasing pressure to reconcile with the narcissist even when your boundaries haven’t been acknowledged or respected whatsoever. The social and emotional weight of these appeals can make maintaining your position feel exhausting and isolating. You might begin to question whether keeping your distance is worth the ongoing social friction, especially when people you care about seem so convinced that reconciliation is the right path.
This pressure often triggers profound confusion and self-doubt, particularly when people you trust are taking the narcissist’s side. You might think, “Well, if Sarah thinks I should give them another chance, maybe I am being too harsh.” And this doubt can be devastating, especially if you’ve already worked hard to rebuild your confidence in your perceptions after experiencing gaslighting and distortion of reality by a narcissist. Having multiple people encourage you to return to a harmful situation creates a powerful form of social validation for the narcissist’s control and perspective.
Understanding the flying monkey phenomenon is crucial because it helps you recognize that the seemingly spontaneous outpouring of support for the narcissist is the result of careful orchestration and manipulation tactics. Now, the people approaching you aren’t necessarily your enemies unfortunately, they’re unaware that they’re additional victims of manipulation who simply don’t recognize the role they’re playing. This awareness allows you to respond with compassion while maintaining the boundaries necessary for your well-being and peace.
When facing this situation, remember that flying monkeys are given a highly edited version of reality by the narcissist. They haven’t experienced what you have, and their perception is limited by the information they’ve been provided. Their good intentions don’t obligate you to follow their advice, especially when that advice contradicts your direct experience of the relationship.
Conclusion: You Are Not Alone
So now that you understand these five shocking reactions, you can recognize them as calculated tactics rather than authentic responses. The victim switch, gaslighting, smear campaigns, hoovering, and flying monkeys are predictable patterns that covert narcissists use, but they are not personal failures on your part. This knowledge becomes your anchor; it helps you stay grounded in your reality when facing manipulation. Your perceptions and boundaries are valid, regardless of how skillfully someone tries
