Today’s topic comes from many different questions in and around the same subject: What are the common reactions and behaviors of a narcissistic person when their tactics no longer work, when you’re onto them, or when they’ve been exposed one way or another? What happens when a narcissistic person feels they no longer have control over someone they once did? Here are some of the common ways narcissistic individuals behave when they lose control over someone:
1. The Apology (That Isn’t Quite Sincere)
Believe it or not, they might apologize. They might say they’re sorry, and they probably are but not necessarily for the things they’ve done or the pain they’ve caused. More often than not, they are sorry for the consequences they now face. They are sad that they’re being abandoned or that others can now see them as they are.
Sometimes, the apology comes with an excuse, such as, “It’s not me; it’s my anxiety. I can’t help it. It’s my illness, not my fault. It’s my addiction.” Or there may be a caveat, like, “I’m sorry, but after all, you did say something 10 years ago that I found quite offensive.” Even if you get an apology that sounds sincere, it tends to be fleeting a moment, a minute, a day, or a week at most. They generally go back to doing the same things again. The highly skilled ones find a different way to do the same thing.
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Alternatively, it might not be an apology but an attempt to reason with you. For example, if you’re using the grey rock method (giving one-word answers) or have gone no-contact (not responding at all), you might receive a text or email saying, “I’ve no idea what I’ve done to hurt you, but I’ll always love you.” This is often followed by a lot of word salad, and within that word salad, there will be a veiled threat, which could be summed up as, “I’m going to let other people know what you’re like, by the way.”
If you receive a message like this or an apology with pleading tears, you might consider giving them another chance. I’m not going to talk you out of it, but I will ask you to reflect on your experience. How many apologies were there in the past? There might not have been many, but how many were followed by changed behavior? If the behavior didn’t change, why do you think it will this time?
2. Never Admitting the Truth
If a narcissist gets caught out, they are generally never going to admit the truth. If they don’t admit their errors, misjudgments, mistakes, or limits to themselves, they’re certainly not going to admit their toxic behavior to you or anyone else. Instead, they often resort to false accusations, twisting things you’ve said or done, or claiming you did or said things you never did deliberately misinterpreting you and your intentions.
Some are very good at this, especially if you’ve been in a long-term relationship with them. They’ve had ample time to fine-tune their manipulation and gaslighting tactics. You might even find yourself doubting yourself, especially if it seems like others are believing them. Covert narcissists, in particular, are skilled at being passive-aggressive while acting humble and contrite.
3. Involving Your Social Circle
If they haven’t already isolated you from your friends, family, or colleagues, they may start contacting them. This often takes the form of, “I’m concerned about them. I haven’t heard from them in a long time, and I’m worried.” If you were part of a club, group, or activity, they might suddenly develop an interest in it, showing up and mixing with your friends there. They may even contact your friends or family, invite them over, or visit them to show that they’re decent people not at all like how you may have portrayed them.
This serves several purposes: it turns your social circle into their “flying monkeys” or agents to snoop, stalk, or feed them information. It also intimidates the victim, letting them know they’re not quite safe yet. Additionally, it controls how others perceive them and the victim.
4. Projecting Onto the Victim
Narcissists often project their pain, guilt, and shame onto their victims, manipulating them into taking responsibility for the narcissist’s actions and bad behavior. Following a breakup, whether it’s a friendship, romantic relationship, or otherwise they dump all that emotional weight onto the victim. They will do whatever it takes to manipulate the victim’s emotions, making them feel pity or sympathy.
They can be incredibly persistent, pleading, crying, begging, acting ill, or becoming angry until the victim apologizes for how they feel, how they were treated, or even for not being able to tolerate the mistreatment. As I often say, they wet the bed and blame the blanket.
5. Vindictive and Nasty Behavior
Narcissists can become nasty and vindictive. How dare you see through them? How dare you no longer put up with their nonsense? Narcissistic people feel very entitled, which often means they believe their victim deserves punishment. Some may become violent, damage property, spread vicious rumors, or deliberately withhold support, resources, or information anything to re-establish a sense of power and control. It’s almost as if they think they have to teach their victims a lesson.
6. Creating or Strengthening a Trauma Bond
If they know they can no longer trick, manipulate, or threaten you, they may try to create or strengthen a trauma bond. This can look like a pattern of toxic behavior that is normal for the narcissist but becomes normalized for the victim. The victim might believe they are dependent on the narcissist perhaps financially, because they have children together, or due to a level of required contact. Alternatively, the victim might feel unable to leave because the abuser is dependent on them, perhaps due to an illness or physical condition.
If a trauma bond wasn’t present before, they may try to create one. If it was already there, they’ll try to strengthen it, using every means to make it difficult for the victim to assert autonomy or leave.
