Today’s topic comes from the question: What is narcissistic abuse syndrome? How do I know if I have it? So, we’re going to look at six common symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome.
Understanding Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
First of all, let’s be clear: a syndrome is not a diagnosis. A syndrome, in this sense of the word, is the term given when several people experience similar effects, similar emotional or mental health difficulties, following similar experiences or exposure to similar situations. For example, impostor syndrome is not a diagnosis.
Also, if you consider yourself to have narcissistic abuse syndrome, it doesn’t follow that you’re going to have it for the rest of your life or that there’s something wrong with you. A lot of things experienced, as uncomfortable as they are, are normal. They’re normal given the abnormal situation you may have been in. With the right help and support, recovery is possible.
Read More:
7 Ways Narcissistic Abuse Destroys You Emotionally
Overcoming Persistent Anxiety Symptoms
9 Signs Someone is a Narcissist
Clarifying Narcissism and Abuse
I also think it’s important to recognize that not all abusers are narcissists; some are just okay. And not all narcissists are abusive. But for today, we’re going to look specifically at the effects of abuse inflicted by a malignant narcissist, someone with, say, narcissistic personality disorder.
Also, recognize that abuse can come in many different forms: it can be physical, se*xual, emotional, financial, or spiritual. There are many different types. Sometimes it can come from just one person; other times, it comes from a collection of people over time. Abusers don’t just have to be partners, you know. They can be work colleagues, parents, siblings, it could be anyone.
Defining Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
So, narcissistic abuse syndrome, if you think of it this way, is a series of emotional responses, behaviors, and beliefs associated with having been exposed to continued abuse from a narcissist.
As much as there are similarities in people’s reactions, behaviors, and so on, people may react or experience these things differently. Some may form a very strong loyalty or bond to their abuser. In cases like that, we’re talking about trauma bonding, codependency, and so on.
Six Common Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
Here are six reactions common to narcissistic abuse:
1. Constant Rumination
Firstly, there can be constant rumination over what happened, rumination over the abuser. These thoughts can be invasive, intrusive, and distressing, especially when someone finds themselves being continually triggered.
A trigger is an emotional or physical response, something that reminds us of a past situation or traumatic event. Because we remember how it felt, it’s like we’re right back there. As I sometimes put it, yesterday’s threat is present today.
These can lead to flashbacks, reliving those traumatic events over and over again. This can affect sleep patterns, either difficulty getting to sleep or staying asleep. It can affect diet, leading to a loss of appetite or constant binge eating and comfort eating.
2. Avoidance
Secondly, there’s avoidance. When we think or feel something unpleasant, anxiety, shame, fear, guilt, an unpleasant situation or memory, something we’d rather not think about, the first thing we think about is, “How do I avoid this? What gets me out of this?” This can lead people to be in a constant state of alert, a constant state of hyper-vigilance.
3. Isolation and Loneliness
This leads me to the third one: it can leave someone feeling very isolated and alone. During that relationship, someone may have found themselves isolated from others so that the narcissist could keep control over them. After breaking away, the narcissist is more likely to spread lies, spy on them, stalk them, or still try to control them. If they can’t control their victim, they will try to control how others see them or treat them.
The victim is aware of this, so they may try to avoid other people, mutual friends, or things like that, for fear they’ve been in contact with their ex or that information may be passed on to them. They fear these people have been recruited as agents of the narcissist or “flying monkeys,” as they’re commonly referred to. So, they may feel safer on their own, even though they may need healthy, supportive relationships with others, especially after what happened.
If they do meet someone new—a new partner or friend—that hyper-vigilance tends to kick in as they watch to see if this new person is another abuser.
4. Difficulty Managing Boundaries
Fourthly, that person may have difficulty managing their boundaries. They are either too lax or too rigid. Long-term exposure to narcissistic abuse has meant that boundaries have been constantly eroded, ignored, not just crossed but, in many cases, actively violated. So, the person may lack the confidence to assert themselves in the way they perhaps once did.
On the other side, some have been so continually invalidated and criticized that their boundaries are now far too rigid. If someone disagrees with them, they become righteously indignant. If someone disagrees with them and they don’t feel heard or understood, they feel as if they’re being told they’re wrong or bad. They feel the same way as they did when the narcissist would find fault and ridicule them.
5. Rumination Over Returning to the Abuser
Fifthly, and this is going to sound a little strange, but there can be rumination over whether or not they should return to the abuser, second-guessing whether they made the right decision, wondering how much of what went wrong was their fault, or if they returned, would it be better?
The narcissist generally isn’t helping this, particularly when they go through that hoovering stage of love-bombing, trying to win them back. During that relationship, everything was the victim’s fault; the other person did love them, and so on.
I liken it to being brainwashed, constant manipulation, blame-shifting, nonsensical reasoning, and threats. Coming out of a toxic, unhealthy relationship often means having to unlearn a lot of the things you’ve been led to believe. It’s like a process of deprogramming.
6. Anxiety and Depression
Lastly, there’s a constant state of anxiety and depression. Anxiety is fueled by constant uncertainty, fault-finding, risk-assessing, and a sense of helplessness. Depression is fueled by shame over what happened, for maybe staying too long or allowing themselves to be treated the way they were, worrying about what others might be saying or thinking about them, and a lot of internalized anger and resentment, not just towards their abuser but sometimes towards themselves for always giving in.
This sense of hopelessness, second-guessing themselves, blaming themselves, guiding themselves, and that sense of disconnection, the thinking habits are all around self-condemnation.
