So, one thing we’ve got to get into the habit of doing is: we’ve got to stop treating charm and charisma as though they are defining characteristics of narcissism. People who are in relationships with covert narcissistic folks, vulnerable narcissistic folks, or just your basic, not-really-successful-or-likable narcissistic folks are often confused because the toxic person in their life does not have charm, charisma, or maybe even not success.
And they assume, “Whatever this is, this awfulness, I don’t think it’s narcissism.” But they still have these things with this person in their life: there’s not there’s very little empathy, there’s pathological selfishness, there’s entitlement, there’s arrogance, there’s anger. But they’re not as polished or snazzy or two-faced as what people believe narcissism is.
Back to Basics: What Narcissism Is
So, let’s go back to the basics of what narcissism is. I don’t think we can have enough reviews on this. It’s a personality, so it’s consistent. This is not how someone is on just one afternoon on the day they lost their job; this is how they are. And yes, they can turn it off and on and off in some cases with different people, but regularly,
These patterns will show up, especially with people who they feel that they’ve locked in the supply, such as family members or spouses or people who work for them. Now, while some personality styles can be a little flexible, narcissism is maladaptive and rigid and doesn’t change much. So, it’s even more consistent, no matter what you do to try and address the behaviors.
Core Patterns of Narcissism
It has some fundamental patterns associated with it: low, variable empathy very little emotional empathy entitlement, grandiosity, pathological selfishness, and either an excessive need for admiration and validation or the arrogant belief that they deserve lots of admiration and validation and they don’t get it. And when they don’t get it, they rage, and they believe they deserve it.
This translates into manipulation, domination, betrayal, rage, passive aggression, and playing the victim when they don’t get their way. Things like invalidation, future faking all of it. Now, nowhere on this list, you’ll notice, are charm and charisma.
These are qualities that can be present and are often part of the entire love-bombed, confusing picture, but they are not what we call qualifiers for narcissism. Variable empathy, entitlement, and arrogance those things are qualifiers for narcissism. Without that, this is not narcissism, but charm and charisma are not qualifiers.
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How Narcissists Manipulate Even the Smartest People?
5 SHOCKING Reactions When You Expose a Covert Narcissist
The Role of Charm and Charisma in Trauma Bonding
The charm and charisma can make trauma bonding more trauma-bonded, right? It can make healing from these relationships tough. The charming charm and charisma made this an attractive person to you, and to the world, they can be perceived as being quite socially successful, which again can make you quite confused.
It can be maddening to see them charm and charisma other people and get away with stuff and have people be so charmed by them, and then to have them be an [jerk] to you behind closed doors. It can mean you get less support, or you are viewed as the problem.
But charm and charisma again are not a requirement for narcissism. And when the narcissistic person or narcissistic relationship you’re in doesn’t have charm and charisma present, you are more likely dealing with vulnerable, malignant, or even self-righteous narcissism. And in most cases, you are dealing with a sort of base of vulnerable narcissism.
Clearing Up Confusion: Vulnerable vs. Covert Narcissism
There is so much confusion with these terms vulnerable narcissist or covert narcissist so let’s just, again, do another review. Vulnerable narcissism is that sort of victimized, sullen, passive-aggressive, grumbling, socially awkward, aggrieved, “can’t-get-along-with-everyone,” failure-to-launch narcissism.
These are often not charming and charismatic folks. They can be a little clunky socially; they may lose jobs because they don’t have the slick ability to get along with everyone be shiny or be Machiavellian and political. They can react to frustration or to not getting their way with either the silent treatment or being loudly rageful.
They may not always hold back on their messy rage in front of other people either because the sort of shiny social exterior that charming charisma we see in grandiose narcissists is often missing in vulnerable narcissistic people.
The Pity Trap in Vulnerable Narcissism
And you may even feel sorry for them because it feels like that vulnerable narcissistic person like things aren’t going their way. The trauma bonding here is worse because there is more pity and guilt on your part, and you may not even realize that you are dealing with narcissism.
So, you may just think you’re walking away from a difficult relationship with someone who is struggling which they may be rather than walking away from or disengaging from someone who doesn’t treat you well, who doesn’t respect you but seems to be doing great in the world, right? Because vulnerable narcissistic people can look sad and anxious and never get going and don’t launch.
They aren’t exactly the life of the party. The other stuff like the low empathy and the belief that their lives should be easier than other people’s lives and that the world is out to get them and the whole witch-hunt thing can get missed as them just being sad or odd or difficult or even just pathetic rather than all that shiny narcissistic stuff.
The Messy Definition of Covert Narcissism
Then there is this word “covert,” and this is what muddies the water because people are using it to mean lots of things. Some people use the word “covert” to mean the narcissistic person who is mean to them but is so charming with everyone else or at least normal with everyone else and the word “covert” means the hidden part is that the narcissistic person keeps all their meanness and manipulation and rage and gaslighting under wraps when other people are around.
Other people are using “covert narcissism” to mean the same thing as vulnerable narcissism, meaning that it is less charm and charisma and more grievances and passive aggression. Narcissism researchers take “covert” to mean the stuff that happens within the narcissist their thoughts and their feelings while the “overt” stuff is what they do and say, for example, monopolize the conversation. So, you can see this using the word “covert” gets messy.
How Charm and Charisma Skew Perceptions
Now, charm and charisma are such a classical part of love bombing and are sort of part of the popular framework of the slick, attractive, superficial, vain narcissistic person who posts lots of selfies. And as I said, that misses the entire picture. People in relationships with folks who have all the narcissistic bells and whistles like charm and charisma are more likely to understand nowadays what they are up against and to be able to start the healing work.
But when charm and charisma are viewed as sort of required characteristics, many people in vulnerable narcissistic relationships sort of miss it, and so they don’t fully recognize that this is a pattern that includes the manipulation, and the confusion that they are experiencing in these relationships.
And while more people may see what happens to the people who are in these relationships and what they’re experiencing because vulnerable narcissistic folks are often isolating or may not hold back from being sort of grumpy and sullen or [crabby] in front of other people, there’s still confusion.
The most common justification people make for vulnerable narcissistic relationships and people being that “they’re just going through a tough time that’s why they’re kind of being a jerk.”
Beyond Charm: Other Traits That Mask Narcissism
Interestingly, instead of charm and charisma, something I do often observe in vulnerable narcissistic folks is that when they are, for example, smart that is what kind of has that charm-and-charisma effect.
If the vulnerable person is really smart about something, it can often lead people to excuse their difficult behavior: “Yeah, I know he can be a handful; he just speaks his mind, but he’s a financial genius.” But I didn’t forget those other types malignant and self-righteous.
Malignant narcissistic folks are also not always charming and charismatic. They can be sort of bully-ish and controlling, feeling from the beginning a little bit scary. A person excusing the malignant narcissistic person’s behavior may view it as a “take-charge” kind of style.
And in people who may be more vulnerable to coercion for example, when there’s a big power difference between the malignant narcissistic person and the person getting into the relationship, or in people who may not have lots of support or who have experienced other unresolved relational betrayals and traumas, right?
Then there may be a sort of capitulation, a giving into the control of the malignant narcissist because they just don’t have the support, and the coercion is such psychological manipulation.
Self-Righteous Narcissism: Virtue as a Mask
With self-righteous narcissistic folks again, they’re often not charming and charismatic but they may be very responsible, outstanding, hardworking, religious, and organized things that we may view as virtues and may lead us to miss that these self-righteous folks are also very judgmental, invalidating, critical, rigid, morally superior.
Or when they are like this, we may view it as being a part of our failings because we’re a little messy, or sometimes we sleep in, or maybe we eat candy in bed or maybe I’m just talking about myself.
Stereotypes vs. Reality
So, narcissist as a leader, narcissist as selfie-posing, Instagram-obsessed friend, narcissist as love-bombing cheater, narcissist as a sports-car-driving show-off? Maybe, but not always. That superficial surface stuff makes it hard for some folks because it can make the relationship more enticing and create one kind of trauma bond.
But when these other non-charm, non-charisma types show up, you may miss the toxic patterns: entitlement, variable empathy, low empathy, pathological selfishness, excessive need for admiration and validation, or arrogance and anger about not getting it. The trauma bond may be embedded in the guilt around leaving someone who’s sort of pathetic or the fear around someone scary.
The Complexity of Narcissism
Narcissism is nuanced; it’s complex, and it’s tricky. It’s like a toxic box of candy where all of the pieces of candy look the same but may taste different based on what is in the middle. So, while one person may be eating a charming, charismatic, betraying, invalidating, grandiose, entitled bonbon, you may be nibbling on an angry, aggrieved, smart, entitled, socially anxious caramel.
Don’t get lost in the idea of “they aren’t charming and charismatic” or “they are like this in front of other people they’re angry and rage in front of other people, so it can’t be narcissism.” Narcissism is about the patterns public or private, drizzled in charm and charisma or not.
Why This Matters
And why does this matter? Understanding this can break you out of self-blame, self-doubt, and confusion cycles and help you radically accept, maintain realistic expectations, disengage, and ultimately, heal.
